I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
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Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]