Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
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I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
I’m Sold!
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal