Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
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*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
LMAO.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
“We will wed,” I threatened
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*