doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
You Might Also Like
A French press is when you hug naked
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
the #horror is real!
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Wait for it
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.