Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
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Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Ape together strong
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing