*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
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If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.