my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
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[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
they really do be looking like this
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?