Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
You Might Also Like
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
My dog learned how to text
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru