To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
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I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
All set.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.