First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
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I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.