Warm pools make me nervous.
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Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
A roof is a house hat.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Message from the dog groomers
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*