Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
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Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM