Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
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Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
😂😂
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.