shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
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My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!