Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
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How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Why am I like this?
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
pictures of spider-man
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.