Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
You Might Also Like
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.