I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
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4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn