Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
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Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.