I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
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Art by Pastelkatto
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?