Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
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yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.