but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
You Might Also Like
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
OKAY DAD
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Print is alive and well!!!
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.