My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
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Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”