If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
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Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.