*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
You Might Also Like
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution