*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
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I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem