Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
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[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
The fall of Netflix
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
This squirrel eats better than I do
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”