The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
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[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
finally
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.