*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
You Might Also Like
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.