“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
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The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
it was love at first sight
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.