I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
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One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?