Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
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Alexa: *deep breath*
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁