Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
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(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.