absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
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If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Haha! 😂
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
#Caturday
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question