restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
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It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.