Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
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kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
was Jim off killing horses or…
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Well, that should do it
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Birds & Planes.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh