BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
You Might Also Like
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it