The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
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Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
#Caturday
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?