Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
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DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.