The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
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Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow