Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
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7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
God has abandoned us.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero