Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
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Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I need to get some bricks…
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Does it…does it take 3 days