I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
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*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Damn what did I do next
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.