In Russia, Pokemon find you.
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“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I cannot call her anything else now
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”