I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
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adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
a god among men
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks