The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
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I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Lol
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.