Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
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Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.