I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
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Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
lot going on here, legally speaking.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?