Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
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me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Time for evil
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.