*offers Batman cough drops*
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A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Always the camel, never the toe.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life