I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
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Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
So creative 😂
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
mariah carrie
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.